We Share an Addiction

(Previously posted.)

"There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special.  We share an addiction.  We're approval junkies."  - Revolver

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The March 26, 2009 issue of the New York Daily Record (a local legal news type publication) carried the following quote from Elbert Hubbard:

“To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”

Upon the first reading, I found myself agreeing with the precept of it and almost even ready to dive right in and embrace it when interacting outside of “El’s World”…and yet the more I considered it, the more I found myself strongly disagreeing with Mr. Hubbard.

The truth is, one just cannot avoid criticism in life, and even if one could avoid it, it really isn’t in a person’s best interest to do so. Criticism serves a very important function in life, and avoidance of it would be to miss out on the growth opportunities it represents.

A common initial response to criticism is hurt feelings and a desire to defend one’s actions. After all, “if only they understood my intent, they would not be criticizing me.”  The thing is… even when our intentions are good ones, or are good ones in our own mind, sometimes the method of the approach is seriously lacking…and sometimes we are just flat out wrong. How our actions are perceived matter far more than what our intent was in the first place. After all, it is other people’s perceptions that will determine whether or not our message has been received. If the message is never received, the intentions and motives become completely irrelevant.

My point here is that I do not believe criticism should be viewed as something negative in our lives to be avoided at all costs. Instead, it can be a catalyst that makes us take a look at ourselves and result in understandings that help us to become a better person.

As for me… well, I’ve mostly always welcomed constructive criticism… except from people I love.  For some reason, I have a very difficult time in hearing criticism from someone close to me. Is that due to pride? Is it vanity? I don’t know for sure, but I suspect it has a great deal to do with needing the approval of the few folks in life whom I allow to become close to me. Those whose approval I seek are few and far between, but where those particular people are concerned, I am indeed an “approval junkie”. I am coming to learn, however, that criticism from someone I love actually has the most potential for effectuating a positive change in my life.